


i'll die anyway.

by zileunq



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Protective Karasuno Volleyball Club, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Freckles, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27782413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zileunq/pseuds/zileunq
Summary: Yamaguchi and his unhealthy obsession with mirrors.*triggers in tags*
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Kageyama Tobio & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yamaguchi Tadashi & Karasuno Volleyball Club
Comments: 4
Kudos: 190





	i'll die anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic, and i'm venting through Yams. He deserves happiness.  
> I only post my fics through Ao3. <3

Yamaguchi Tadashi was never good at anything. He could never look in the mirror the same way he looks at his teammates. 

He was disgusting. Freckles, acne, fat, and all. He wanted to tear skin from bones and run away to drown in his own self-pity. Everyone could probably see that he was suffering, too. Yamaguchi finally turned away from the mirror.

Everyday, he forces himself out of bed with every ounce of strength he has left, just to stare at himself in front of the mirror. Just to hate himself more and more each day, each hour, each minute, each second. It was Monday. Another beginning of a week, yearning for it to end already.

School was draining- no, it is. At lunch, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima ate in a comfortable silence. Yamaguchi contributed to most of their conversations, and Tsukishima would put in his own opinions and questions every once in a while. Sometimes Yamaguchi would get ashamed of himself for being the only one talking. He didn’t want to be a bother. 

Yamaguchi looked at his lunch and he moved it around the bento box with his fork with one hand, and his cheek resting on his other hand. Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi’s food, then asked, “Aren’t you hungry?” 

Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima, gave him a wide, fake, smile, and said, “Not really. I had a big breakfast, and my mom is cooking my favorite meal tonight.” 

Yamaguchi knew that Tsukishima knew something was wrong. Yamaguchi had run out of excuses to not eat a week ago. Yamaguchi never told anyone that he takes antidepressants for his depression and anxiety. Only his mom knows. And now, he’s developing anorexia. He knows this, and doesn’t want to stop. He loves the feeling of skin tightening around his ribs. 

He was spiraling.

“Okay then.” Tsukishima said, lips pursed. 

The bell rang.

At volleyball practice, Yamaguchi was practicing his serves. Each movement was taking a bunch of his energy. His legs felt weak. 

_Can’t you at least make it through today? You’re so worthless._

_Please stop._

And then his legs buckled, and he felt heavy. He closed his eyes as tight as he could.

_No, no no. This cannot be happening right now._

But it was. He heard footsteps get louder and louder. He tried to make out some of the voices through the ache in his head and the pounding in his chest. 

“Yamaguchi! What’s wrong?” 

“Did he faint?” 

“What happened?”

He couldn’t breathe. He felt like throwing up. He felt like ripping his hair out. He felt like hurting himself for being so _stupid._

“Guys, He’s hyperventilating!” 

“Oh shit, okay, I- um-” there was a pause for a long time. Or maybe it was just a few seconds. “Tadashi. Look at me.” How stupid was he, panicking with his arms wrapped around himself in a gym of people his age?

Yamaguchi took a couple of minutes to ground himself. He felt the gym floor. It was smooth in some places, rough in others. It was a bit dirty, but that was fine. He was still breathing shallowly as his turned to the person talking to him. He swallowed. “Suga,” He breathed.

Suga gave him a smile. “Yes, Yamaguchi. Let’s go sit at the bench, yeah?” 

Yamaguchi gave a small nod, and stood up. He felt the world cracking underneath him until he felt someone else grab onto his shoulder. Tsukishima stood next to Yamaguchi, and with Suga on his other side, they led him to the bench. Daichi gave Yamaguchi a cup of water. Yamaguchi tried not to give eye contact when he realized that everyone was looking at him. Good thing Coach Ukai and his three other teammates weren’t here. 

It never got silent in the gym when Karasuno was in it.

But it did. 

“Why did you fall?”

Yamaguchi looked up at the voice, his heart suddenly beating faster. 

“Don’t be so direct, Tsukishima. He might not even know why he fell.” Daichi said.

Yamaguchi was just tired. He wanted to sleep. _He wanted to escape._

But he couldn’t. He had to stick with this life, this body, this brain. _They wouldn’t judge me, right? They would’nt treat me any less, they wouldn’t give me any more of those stupid pity looks that my mom does, right?_

_They could. But what difference would that make? I could leave whenever I want, however I want._

So Yamaguchi took a deep breath, his body shaking.

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“Take what?” Noya said.

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything after that. He silently sobbed. And somehow they all understood.

_Do you know how weak you sound? Stupid, stupid, stupid. You’re embarrassing. Just disappear._

After another moment of silence, Yamaguchi felt soft arms embrace him. Then footsteps. Then more arms. And he choked on his sobs. 

And let it all out.

“I’m pathetic.” he said.

“You’re not.” Suga whispered.

“Come on, Yamaguchi!” Hinata said. “You’re amazing!”

“Yeah.” Kageyama said. “Your float serves are great. And you always put yourself before others.”

Yamaguchi finally looked up at his teammates. He made eye contact with Tsukishima. 

“You’re cool. And strong. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. But I’m here.” Tsukishima said, frowning.

“Please talk to us when you’re feeling this.” Suga said.

“Okay.”

“We’re here.”

“Thank you.” Yamaguchi said. 

Tsukkishima walked Yamaguchi home. Tsukishima had that same poker face on. They walked in silence as the moon lit the path. The only sounds were the leaves crunching under their sneakers and the engines of cars. Tsukishima spoke first. 

“Stop keeping things to yourself. I know why you fell. You haven’t been eating. I didn’t tell anyone.” Yamaguchi heard him take a breath. “I care about you. Do you know that?”

Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima. “I-” he stuttered, shocked. “Y- yeah. I care about you too, Tsukki.”

“But do you know that?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

_I’ll stay for another day. For them. For him._


End file.
